I walked into the party. A few teenagers mostly adults, seated in rows. Of course the teenagers had arranged the ordered chairs into chaotic circles.
Simple. The plan is simple. Walk up, sit next to them, talk. Stay there for an a few hours. Finish.
Skipping the boring bits, I did so. A girl talked to me. A few others as well. Things were going good.
My visage of self confidence was holding. As it always did. As it always had to.
I decided crack my classic Instagram review trick. I criticized people’s Instagram using words like ‘generic’ , ‘angsty’ or ‘boring’. One might say I was truly at fault for doing this, but people were bored and no one was taking it seriously.
Until the quiet person spoke up.
“Criticise my mine why don’t you?”
I looked at him. Handsome by most considerations. Defined jawline. He had his hair in check.
He must be having fun.
I started “Ah, a pretty generic tag line, Eh?”
Shit. I was using ‘generic’ too much.
So he started.
“Generic? Do you go to school?”
“How generic of you.”
Aggression. I was dealing with aggression. Alright fine.
“Well school is a nessecity you see. A tag line is not.”
“Well, how about you actually be funny, instead of being pretentiously funny?”
“Are you implying something?”
I could feel my legs shaking. What? Where was the self confidence? What?
He raised his eyebrows.
The whole area went quiet. Four teenagers sitting silently, watching an embarrassment about to unfold.
That’s when I started noticing things about him. His posture. He was the one who was in control. He was the one winning.
Shit. This has never happened to me before.
“Look me in the eyes”
What? Why am I following him?
“So long words entangle you huh? Words like pretentious”
“No they don’t”
The girl spoke up.
“Hey guys? You are making this awkward”
We ignored her.
“How many letters are there in the word pretentious? You are shaking by the way”
I was. Shit.
“Uh, hehe, I’ll check”
“You are very easy to intimidate aren’t you? You are dancing on my finger tips”
My confidence was shattered. I need help. I reached to my pocket and gave my friend a miss call.
“Ah, but you are young”
He was only two years older than me. Young? You are insulting me now?
“You were embarrassing her, how does it feel to be embarrassed now?”
“You are a prick”, enough pacifism.
But the damage was done. My confidence had taken a blow. I was embarrassed. And further more, there were literal tears in my eyes.
My friend called me back. I was saved. I spent the rest of the party with talking to my friend.
You see, what seems like a minor incident to you is serious for me. And I’m only describing a speck of it. My language, my vocabulary is not enough to explain the sheer drop in my self esteem.
I’m always the guy everyone turns to for help. For social reasons atleast. But now I find my self seeking help. But I can’t find anyone to give it to me. This blog was made with the purpose to get my thoughts in order. Here we have it.
My head is a mess.
I’ll just put in some lines my friend said when I indirectly asked him about this.
“Self image is what the person thinks of themselves. Their self image influences their decisions a crazy amount”
“Stress, leads to sweating, urge to release stress in an intense manner, irritability”
“Alright, then the first thing to recognise is that in human behaviour, generally emotion trumps reason”
I feel like shit.
I’d keep it ambiguous for if it’s real or fake. But it’s real.